I put on my brightest colored dress and coral lipstick in hopes of buoying myself up.
I feel like I've been doing that a lot lately-trying my darndest to find happy spirits and smiles.
A proper hair cut and color after a year long home coloring disasters helped a little, but I still have that heavy feeling. Heavy boots, a term I have lovingly embraced from a new favorite read.
As I write, I feel that pretty colored dress that I bought for my birthday tight around my waist. It's there as another nagging reminder of my little failures lately. I haven't talked about my weight battle lately, because the truth is, there hasn't been a battle. It's been more of a surrendering on my part. With little desire to fight, I opened the doors to emotional eating and have allowed those feelings to make themselves right at home.
It's a struggle that I embarrassingly hate to admit because I've allowed it to happen for so long. The last three years I've almost embraced it. With every move we've made, my dearest companion has been food. It's there, it's comforting, and it's familiar.
One (see: nasty anonymous commenter*), vocally commented awhile back on this public blogosphere that it's a lack of self control on my part, and if I was going to not eat right, then I should be big and own it.
Well, I'm big and I'm owning it, because it's me. I will focus on longer being ashamed, because they are my struggles that I just happen to wear on the outside.
I do not strive for a svelte figure, but more for a healthy body and sound mental health. I want a body that will serve an even bigger purpose, which is motherhood. I want a bod that will grow a strong healthy baby that will grow up eating healthy and full of activity. I pray that if I have a chance to be a mother to a spunky daughter,I will not project my negative body images and bad habits on her. And if I have a bouncy baby boy who will grow up to be a man, I hope that he will know that looks are not every thing, and that personality and intelligence always wins in the end.
This year, more than meeting my "goal weight" I want to meet myself again. The one who didn't give a damn what others thought, the one who didn't harbor negative thoughts, and the one with a smile on her face.
It's time.
_-_-_-_-_-_
*Dear anonymous. I'm sorry that your struggles manifest themselves in hurtful words hidden in anonymity. I pray that you can find kindness this year.
Kate, you are absolutely beautiful. I hope you know that! You are right- we all have our struggles and some of them are more apparent than others. I'm positive you didn't write this post for compliments, but I have to tell you that I think you are so gorgeous- inside and out. Among a million other things you've got the prettiest smile, beautiful features, and I wish badly that I could have your hair that seems to look awesome no matter how your bangs are (straight across, swept, etc.).
ReplyDeleteI think you are great for wanting to have a healthy body for when you get pregnant and I loved what you said about future daughters and sons. You're amazing.
I love you a lot and I'm so glad we are real friends in real life. :) And I just can't believe you got such a mean anonymous comment. I really don't understand why people do things like that.
I was reading A Cup of Jo today (of course) and I read the piece by Anne Roiphe about when she felt beautiful. (I don't know if you read it) But she said it was when her husband told her that she had made him happy.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about it all day. I think the moments when I feel beautiful are definitely not when I have weighed the least (because it came at the cost of basically starving myself) and I haven't felt most beautiful when my hair has been not-frizzy (which has maybe been two days in my life). It's been the times when I have felt loved, or have been able to feel love for someone else.
I love you because you are so brave and eloquent! And I know that there are other people who love you, and I know that there are people and things that you love passionately. I love what you have written, so many things which I have felt so acutely in my life. I think you are beautiful, yes for your shiny hair and coral lips and pretty eyes, but most of all because of the things that you put into the world.
I know that was probably the cheesiest weirdest comment I could have written, but I don't care. I think you are great.
Your post was deep and moving. I could feel what you were writing and it was powerful. You have a beautiful and unique way of expressing yourself through your stylish apparel from head to toe, to the words you choose to write with!
ReplyDeleteYou have given me something to ponder about tonight and I appreciate it!
{hugs}
seriously, some people are so lame!
ReplyDeleteyou are a beauty!! i've always thought that from the time i started reading your blog :)
Well Kate, I hope that you can be "healthy" and can produce a beautiful baby...like we all know you will. I hope to do that too...soon...possibly. I love to eat too, but Rob keeps me somewhat in check. As I posted on my blog, I have lost weight, even got to my "goal weight", but now I worry about getting too skinny...because I've never been "skinny". I can't win! ha. Here is to being happy!
ReplyDeletea few things: the internet is just awful for self-esteem. and i think you are quite beautiful. and i, too, would love to rid myself of self-image issues. i think one trick to life might be to be happy even when we feel ugly/disliked/misunderstood/whatever. Jesus doesn't care about my zits or that you don't weigh what you want to, right? but he does want us to be happy. there's a fine line there, i guess. but bottom line is, my favorite people in this world are the ones with the kindest hearts. and you are one of them! i do not factor in ACT score, weight, blog popularity, or if they can juggle. but somewhere along the way we get to thinking those are really important. (maybe not the juggling...)
ReplyDeletebut really, when you figure out your self-image issues, come help me with mine. :)
::hugs:: you're gorgeous.
ReplyDeleteMan, that is just really stupid. Anonymity is just really stupid. I wish we all cared less about these things, blogging makes it hard to though, right? There will always be someone skinnier, funnier, smarter, "happier" and sometimes it's hard to just forget all of it. I just want to echo what everyone else has said... you are beautiful, you are kind, you are funny, you are smart. I KNOW that is now what this post is about (but isn't it funny how it can get misconstrued?) because I know you and I know you are telling us your thoughts, and they are beautiful, and dangit that is what blogging is about! I just like you a lot, Kate the great... :)
ReplyDeletei like you a lot.
ReplyDeleteyou inspire me in ways i cannot express.
i really think you're an incredible, beautiful woman.
this stupid blogging/pinning/internet world sometimes gets the best of us, eh?
it shouldn't though.
i have noticed that since the internet is no longer a huge part of my life (i can't play on it at work anymore...) i have been happier. it's weird to admit that. but it's true.
p.s. extremely loud is an incredible book. my favorite. we're going to see the movie tomorrow. fun huh?
p.p.s EXCELLENT new hair!
ReplyDeletei haven't gotten my hair colored for like... 9 months. it's KILLING me. not really. but i miss a fresh coat of easy change.
First, anonymous haters suck. Second, good for you for sticking it back to them and recognizing that it is their problem, not yours. Third, I agree with all these comments - being beautiful is mostly about being happy. In fact, sometimes kids can be the most astute about such things. My 5-year-old recently asked me why people think some people are ugly and some are beautiful. I put it back on him to respond, and he said, "I think people are beautiful when they're nice and ugly when they're mean." Wise words.
ReplyDeleteholler for kate! she don't give a damn! and i like that :) i always look back at pictures and say "wow, i was so skinny!" but it's like that thing floating around pinterest (and elsewhere) that says "i wish i were as skinny as when i thought i was fat" or something like that.
ReplyDeletei've decided to rid my vocabular of skinny & fat. only healthy! healthy healthy healthy! no matter what size. 2012 is going to be a good year.
work it, gorgeous.
oh, and i just re-read that book for my book club and we are having a book club movie night next week to see the movie, and i'm stoked! it's really so good.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I think you're beautiful. And cool. And clever. And smart.
ReplyDeleteSecond, This post is something that I can relate with in a big way. ( I just wrote out the whole long story of how I gained weight from being unhappy and then lost when I was happy again... ) But its silly, because my story isn't the same as your story, and its not really possible to offer advice in situations where a person feels of less worth than they should.
Just know that if you feel your pants are tighter than they were, it does not denote beauty. Extra weight should not ever be identified as ugly. You are beautiful.
Eating healthy is a struggle for me as well. I like the bad unhealthy stuff and I like to say I "don't have self control" when it comes to those things, but really I just easily give in. So, I know where you are at with that. You are gorgeous though no matter what.
ReplyDeleteMan, I can't believe you had a nasty anonymous commentator. Poke their eyes.
ReplyDeleteI wish you luck and love on your mission to love yourself and your body. It is not easy. Not for anyone, I don't think.
I ditto the other comments. You are lovely in a million and ten ways. I love your insight and your adventures. I'm glad I get to visit your blog.
Don't let one hater get you down/make you doubt yourself. You're a very wonderful and talented person. You inspire so many people. I don't believe there is one thing you're not "owning" up to (esp. your identity, stupid anonymous). The way you portray yourself to all of us is very honest. Far from sugar coated, and honestly a breath of fresh air from the typical girls our age :). You're real Kate.
ReplyDeleteYou are a very healthy person from the inside out. You are true to yourself in every.single.one of your posts/comments/fb's. Doubt is simply a form a fear and fear is the devils candy. Don't ever doubt yourself (easier said than done I know). You live a life others envy, have a loving husband who simply adores you and supports every detail of you.
and PLUS your hair is GORG! Oh my how I love me some ginger!!
Well said! You are amazing Kate. And stronger than you think. I have always thought you were beautiful AND smart- and of course I love your sense of humor and wit. Food is a tough one- I can relate. It's not like you can seperate yourself from it like someone can with alcohol. I love you!
ReplyDeletefirst of all, you've gotta love those anonymous commenters. so ridiculous.
ReplyDeletesecond, you are so beautiful in every way. i think the hardest part about feeling okay with ourselves is definitely the mental part. i've struggled with that off and on my whole life, and just when i felt like i was in a really great place i got pregnant and now i'm bigger than ever (and it's out of my control, which makes it so much harder - i just have to focus on the fact i'm bringing a life into this world!). one of the reasons i was terrified to have a kid is because i do NOT want to pass on my issues to them, so i definitely understand what you're saying there.
we'll both be great mothers though, i know it...
hugs, kate. you're amazing! and here's to not giving a damn! :)
Still hear and reading you. I think a comment like that would tear me apart and I may have given up blogging all together. so I would count that as one battle won. Food is one of life's greatest joys in my opinion and anyone who can properly enjoy it with out a deluge of gilt afterward is really in a living hell. ( did it mention I love food?)
ReplyDeleteOn another similar note have you read french women don't get fat? I think you would really like it. It is the diet/ eating habit for food aficionados like your self.
umm that was me sorry.
ReplyDeletegirl. i think you are gorgeous. and fashionable. and lovely. i love the hair and lipstick i see in that photo.
ReplyDeletei know you are a strong person and i know if you want something you can accomplish it. i also know that are beautiful and i like you.
I feel like we would be good therapy partners. We have twin issues... Come to Florida?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I love your hair, you are gorgeous, AND i downloaded the entire head & heart album. Aren't you so proud of me? Embracing new music?!!
Girl, you are gorgeous no matter your size. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.
ReplyDeleteI can relate though, to finding yourself. I myself have been in a funk for I don't know how many months. It seems the more time goes by, the worse it gets, as well as circumstances in my life {which likely play off each other}. So here is to finding ourselves again, the happy people that we once were!!
First: The ANON moniker gives a false sense of power and security to cowards. How ironic that you were told to "own" your actions while ANON hides behind the internet.
ReplyDeleteSecond: I like your plan of meeting your smiling, positive self. I wish I could meet your smiling positive self IRL, because I think you're beautiful and would be a wonderful friend. Your taste in music is a boon, too!
Welp, I am crying now. You are awesome for being so honest. Damn the Man Kate. Since when do we care what other people think. I am with you on the getting healthy part. Wish we lived closer so we could help eachother but, who am I kidding.... cookie skillet always wins, always. And us and cookie skillet are great memories that I wouldn't give up even if it made my ass shrink!
ReplyDelete